The Big C

Man did I have a scare recently. Big enough to fit my one post a year bill...


I happen to fall into the testicular cancer age bracket and I was worried (still kinda am) that I might lose a nut. About a month ago, I started feeling pain in my groin and lower abdomen similar to a 10 minute old kick to the nuts. It was that regular dull throb except no one's foot had been near my nads. A few searches online about my symptoms only brought up one thing:


TESTICULAR CANCER


Fuck me! So I did the post-shower, low hanging, warm, malleable bag check and couldn't really find any lumps. But you guys wait until you're paranoid and then see just how familiar you really are with you own balls. I was rolling everything between my fingers while panicking and wondering if it was always like that. Normally when I'm doing that, I'm thinking of something pretty and not the intricate contours of my nads, vas, and accoutrements there within. Though they are fabulous!


Well I worried about it for a few days and finally got on the phone but couldn't get an appointment with my doc anytime soon. I ended up going to an urgent care clinic on a saturday because I was getting really scared for my fellas and I prefer the nickname One Nut sticking firmly to Mr. Armstrong.


The doc did his thing and I did mine: He sat on the stool in front of me while I pulled my pants down to my ankles with my shirt still on, looking and feeling fucking ridiculous as my girlfriend watched the whole thing. Not my idea of a hot threesome but I'm sure it falls somewhere near most chick's, especially with a guy making a doctor's salary. That alone was humiliating, but my fucking penis couldn't be a trooper about it either. No, I have to be nervous, naked and uncomfortable all by myself. He insisted on sitting this one out somewhere near my spleen, leaving just a vestigial turtle head as a lookout. Fucker.


Yeah right, who was I trying to impress, the Doc? Fuck yeah, him and everyone else. why not? I wish I were a shower not a grower...


After various proddings, we did the turn your head and cough trick. That sucks anyway but it sucks more when the whole area already hurts and this strange man is getting to your taint the hard way, by stuffing two fingers through your sack. Yeah it's not a gentle cup the bag like you ladies and kids might think. Then, he gets to thinking I actually have a minor hernia. To be sure, he does the finger thing 5 more times! Sucky as that was, it was such a huge relief that I could have hugged the guy except that my pants were around my ankles and he was sitting in front of me with two fingers in my scrot, my peen so shriveled and withdrawn that it's pretty much pointing right at him and he didn't even call me sweety.


Now I get to do this all again with my real doctor this Tuesday. THEN she'll (that's right) decide if I need to go to a specialist to get one more pair of hands on my tender junk and if I need surgery to fix the problem. I've had a girlfriend for three years, you'd think I could use the strange, but fucking hell...


Folks, I would do it all again with a smile to hear it's not TESTICULAR CANCER. Let's hear it for hernias!!!

Aqua Teen Terror Scare

(SEN: I know this is way dated by now but I've been lazy recently and I forgot to post this after I wrote it. So in lieu of tossing it out, here ya go.)

"It is unconscionable, that in this post-9/11 environment that Turner Broadcasting would do something like this in an urban setting..."
- Boston Police Superintendent Ed Davis

"It is outrageous, in a post-9/11 world, that a company would use this type of marketing scheme. I am prepared to take any and all legal actions against Turner Broadcasting and its affiliates for any and all expenses incurred during the response to today's incidents."
- Boston Mayor Thomas Menino

Sadly, neither man is prepared to take any and all responsibility for time and money wasted.

For those of you that don't know, "something like this," was, in fact, exactly this:

A small LED with a battery.

Loosens the bowels, does it not? One of these things was actually exploded by Boston's bomb squad. They thought these "devices" were constructed similarly to improvised explosive devices. Gentlemen, there are much more common yet sinister devices used by terrorists that are all around us...

Cars. Line 'em all up, better to err expensively on the side of caution. Better arrest Radio Shack too.

Congratulations Ed Davis and Thomas Menino. For all the hours you put in yesterday, the most top notch piece of work you accomplished was covering your own asses and passing the buck. The city of Boston should be proud. Unfortunately for them and the rest of us, it is apparently not unconscionable to use 9/11 as the ultimate excuse for your ineptness, ignorance, and failure of communication between the civil servants of the nine other U.S. cities who unwittingly hosted this marketing campaign but succeeded in getting no egg on their faces.

And apparently not unconscionable that the Department of Homeland Security's ridiculous and vague color coded terror warning system has again triumphed in its purpose as an utterly useless device except as a means for spreading unwarranted paranoia. Presumably (for the sake of spreading the embarassment around) it is this age of paranoia that incited your city-wide and highly expensive act of putting the cart before the horse. Did anyone even bother to see if the sources reporting these threats were at all credible?

And not unconscionable still that a marketer for a college male oriented cartoon is arrested and charged with felony hoax device placement (felony hoax device placement?!) and disorderly conduct all so Boston's top officials don't take a public bath in the shattering embarassment they so richly deserve for blowing loads of tax payer money all while having their heads deep in rectal defilade as they unbendingly goosestep to the beat of policy.

Policy, for those of you who haven't had a chance to appreciate it, is what makes us wait an extra two hours in the airport security line while the little white sectagenarian grandmother from Wisconsin is cavity searched because she was the one hundredth customer in line. And it doesn't matter that the next one hundredth is an infant strapped to his mother's chest. Policy dictates TSA's only clear course of action. Snap on a rubber glove and search that tiny threat. After all, he's really just a sack of liquid that is well over 3 ounces, and he's not even in a clear ziploc baggy!

Three words: Start racial profiling.

People's feelings be damned. White grandmothers and infants are not targeting America for destruction. Nor are cartoon shows, or PR stunts. In the case of the infant, which I actually witnessed, even the buzzcut thicknecked security guard was shaking his head as he went through the motions of searching and wanding this baby whose life you can count in months on one hand. Even he had the sense that this is idiocy. But not the guys who make policy. These guys are thinking of the jeopardy to the offices they hold if the next attack comes. Not that there's any reason for them to fear. Who got fired after 9/11 for total failure at their task? For ignoring the piles of evidence and warnings from operatives? Anyone?

*crickets*

Now we have a society that jumps at its own shadow and officials who rightly feel stupid for overreacting when the chart clearly states we're only at our usual elevated risk.

http://www.dhs.gov/xinfoshare/programs/Copy_of_press_release_0046.shtm

That is unconscionable.

In light of 9/11, there really are some things that persist in this world that truly do fall in the category of unconscionable. That these things still exist in the fore-front of our culture and still receive the attention that they do

...that McDonald's coffee tastes better than Starbuck's...

...that a cat's bath in a kitty-sized shower spa is cause for public outcry... (if this is the worst thing that happens to kitty in its free ride through life as a domestic housecat, it's way ahead of the game. all you excitable pet-o-philes just take a deep breath)

...that Paris Hilton's jailing extravaganza took presedence over the missle defense shield in Europe. (up to date relevance! yeah too little too late.....)

To the People of Oceana

In response to recent criminal slander, purveyed only by those who hate freedom and all the delicate denizens of its domain... Comrades, may I present our protector and Big Brother:

Gloria Allred.

Heil!

Heil!

Heil!

Behold in her stocks, the villain Michael Richards! Beseige him with frowns, pointed fingers, and savage clucking of the tongue! Righteously cast the first stone, knowing full well the gift of purity laid upon you, the faithful congregation, by our demagogue. Ignore the irony that both sides are guilty of the same crime yet color deems one the transgressor and one the victim. Irony is our very gospel!

Ignorance is Strength

No! She is not a vile, selfrighteous, opportunistic leech who would unflinchingly corner society and confine your personal feelings within a convenient legal box for her own personal, monetary gain.

Freedom is Slavery

No! She has not imposed herself as our thought police for profit by making people feel guilty for their own feelings. She is no foul thing, she is our hero and protector! Worship and thank her! Without her we would be adrift in a lawless sea of hurt feelings, where the sting of a scraped knee is not kissed away by money's sweet caress.

War is Peace

Rein us in by your strength, oh keeper of our moral compass, oh guardian of the downtrodden. Nay, step not down from your pedestal nor cast your gaze in the direction of true victimization. For you are truly brave to ignore that beast and, rather, force us into false placidity and stay here in the warm womb of American litigation, suckling from our wallet's teet when we stray onto the path of individual thought.

Rejoice citizens and comrades! For the goose-stepping boots of her associates draw nigh! Relish the crush of their truncheons on the elbows of your personal thoughts as they lovingly mold us to behave as good little children. Bury and mask individual views even deeper than political correction and false rhetoric ever thought possible, as only this will cast out the problem for good.

Finally, acknowledge that the only true recompense and apology for disobedience is to sate her voracious appetite for cold hard cash and self-satisfaction. Only purchased redemption will save you! For she is a jealous god, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate her or anyone that might keep her from making a buck; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love her, and keep her commandments.

OBEY

Heavyweight Vulture Gloria Allred Swoops Down on Borat

It is official: Honesty will no longer be tolerated by the people of this country, so say the circling vultures, who are prepared to tighten the noose whatever the cost, as long as there is payola.

This is not a new idea, but one that has finally been plucked completely from the troubled waters of liberty by the greedy talons of the nation's legal eagles. (Weekly World News, take note of my dramatic flair!) Congratulations are due for taking an astoundingly funny and original idea and just litigating it to death. What’s the worst that happened here? Was a little too much honesty exposed under their own free will? A little more forthrightness than this country can stomach these days, without the baby’s blanket of political correctness? Someone spoke their mind with full knowledge of the cameras in their face and now they’re owed much more than a penny for their thoughts because they are genuinely ashamed or afraid of who they are? I offer that no one should owe you money for your openness about being racist, elitist, misogynistic, homophobic, shallow, catastrophically ignorant, or just profoundly uptight. That is unless you nail down a nationally syndicated talk show, then by all means. Otherwise, you deserve a pat on the back for your candor in this day and age and then people can decide for themselves if they want anything to do with you.

This is humanity.

These are our neighbors.

These are real people.

Whether in part or in full, this is you and this is me.

The idea that this is untrue of humanity is the real ruse here. But none of these people are owed a paycheck for their personal views, exposed or otherwise. Not yet, anyway.

Take all those juicy buzzwords I used up there. I would argue that everyone has a bit of those in them to a certain degree, whether they are willing to admit it or not. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but before anyone accuses me of being a Grand Wizard in the Klan, what i'm trying to say is we all root for the home team but that doesn't always mean: "Yer dif'rent! Let's fight!"

Cindy Streit, owner of Etiquette Training Service in Birmingham, Alabama didn't even go so far as to attach any of those labels to herself in the movie. I'm sure she just felt a little duped. But when the Allreds of the world smell some cheddar and get in her ear, her tune turns from short-lived and forgettable embarrassment to this:

“I am mortified at forever being portrayed in an R-rated movie with the most horrifying, pornographic scene imaginable to me. (seriously? I could really open this lady's eyes) When Borat and his camera crew left our dinner party, we were in total shock, and no one told us it had all been a ruse. …In a sincere effort to support cultural differences and being a proud American and Southerner, I thought we could portray out Southern customs and culture to Belarus Television. (Did she not?) I am outraged at the deception. How dare they?”

(SEN: whenever anyone uses the phrase "How dare they" or "How dare you," it really shows their arrogance in plain light and should be a red flag for you to temper any feelings of sympathy towards them. It's just too high falootin'. Or as Max von Sydow said as King Osric in Conan the Barbarian: "What daring! What outrageousness!" But at least he was king. Conan~FTW)

The only true outrage here is sharky lawyers spun a minor incident into a personal assault of such magnitude, the necessity arose for serious compensation equal to the devastating bruising sustained by her ego and her company's potential, yet unlikely profit loss due to southern decorum's inability to succesfully negotiate a plastic baggie of pooh. Fake pooh at that.

Predictably, Allred backs up her stance:

She said, “I’m concerned – is this going to start a trend where members of the public can be victimized in order to earn a profit? (The irony of that statement is just astounding) I’m concerned about the stampede to have ‘Borat’-like films victimizing other members of the public through deception. I don’t think they should be about to ride roughshod over the rights of innocent individuals.”

Allow me to translate:

“I’m concerned – is this going to start a trend where members of the public can be victimized in order to earn a profit that I have no stake in? I’m concerned that the stampede to have ‘Borat’-like films victimizing other members of the public through deception might possibly pass me by without being able to secure my share of the boatload of cash it is making. I don’t think they should be about to ride roughshod over the rights of innocent individuals without a payday in it for me.”

Allred is no saint. She's a big time California lawdawg, she reads the trades. She sees the boxoffice take every Monday and understands full well how much undeserved pie there is to go around if you’re a manipulative bullshitter. She is a filthy, selfrighteous, opportunistic leech who would unflinchingly corner society and confine your personal feelings within a convenient legal box for her own personal monetary gain. She has made herself the thought police for profit and people are letting her get away with it because she makes them feel guilty for their own feelings.
No one killed frivolity like this in its infancy and now we have ex-lawyers in the form of entrenched judges who are highly unlikely to toss cases like these out. There's too much in it for the new hotshots they look fondly upon. Who now will the vultures fall upon once this most recent carcass is picked clean?

Philips.com Registration Asked for Suggestions to Improve Their Performance, So.....

stabbtastic editor's note (heretoforafterhencewise shall be known as SEN): I recently bought a new flatscreen TV, and I could only guess that it might be wise to register my new high-tech umbilical? After cruising through their registration, I noticed I was bored. BORED! Dry ass lame site, all in greys (grays? who knows) and whites and unhelpfully small thumbnails. Plus I'm never sure if I'm really getting anything out of registration. It's not like they can send me updates or anything and they really just dangle that ultimate carrot for suckers, the chance to buy the extra warrantee. The best I'll do is get some spam. But I followed suit like a tool and did their bidding and when they offered the slim chance for some redemption, I took it.

Incidentally, this is all true. Even the part about the Italians and the Irish, and especially the cow...

Dear Philips.com,

You could offer free porn and beer, chips too. Maybe whatever ballgame is on. Strippers couldn't hurt but no Italians though, they're as undesirable as the Irish. I'm kinda hungry, that happens when I surf, maybe you guys could order pizza? Some magazines laying around could help too, your site is fucking boring as it is... a few colors could brighten up the place. Y'know, a woman's touch can really improve the appeal of a room, or a webpage, so one of you geeks drop your cock and get a girlfriend for christ's sake. New furniture is a must cuz this shit you got in here looks like my college housing stuff, barely functional and smells like pee. I saw this great chair at Redskins.com, recliner embossed with their logo, can you fuckin believe that? Craziest shit I ever saw. Except of course the time my buddy kevin went home with the fat chick in the cow suit, and that was the second date! Poor dumb bastard. Man we laughed hard! Hey you guys are alright, hope this helps. Stay black!

If you ever buy a Philips product, go register it and see if they've taken any of my advice or if it's all just a dirty waste of time. In which case you should smash your new Philips product, fuck those mark-ass tricks.

Personal Publicists: Liars, Excusers, and Yes-Men

stabbtastic editor's note: Just a quick venting, I was feeling hostile towards these idiots. I may expand on this.

I can fix it, I have the techonology.

For now, take it as you will. It's not much, just the tip....

At best, they are the shallow and pea-brained gossip relics from the halls of highschool. At worst, they are cheaply-bought degenerate liars with a flimsy moral compass, selling digestable excuses to the masses for the embarassing mis-steps of the rich and powerful in exchange for discarded table scraps and a ride on the proverbial coat tails. They are the begging, mongrel dog that slaves for the stripped bone.

It is said that in most professions, those who can't, teach. But in this regard, those who have nothing to offer but are dying to bathe in the limelight, pitch and spin.

Stupid Cats

I'm a little angry at cats right now (not because of Infinite Cat Project, THIS time....) because last night around 11, I was on my way home from dropping the GF off when I come across a little kitty in the road. Cutest little thing in the world, just playfully tugging away at a meat pancake that used to be shaped like a oppossum. So I slow to a stop and I'm peering over the hood of my truck, wondering when this furry little butthole is gonna beat feet when I'm suddenly thrown back in my seat by some blind cocksucker who tried to meet the front of my truck vis-a-vis the back.

As I check all my parts and try to clear my head, I hear this guys tires screech, again, and see him peeling back and whipping a bitch and hauling ass the other way down the street. Oddly enough, he didn't stop even when I jumped out of my truck and suggested "YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!"

Nope. Didn't see the driver. Nope. Didn't get the plates. Nope. I couldn't even tell what kind of damn late model small SUV it was, 'cause it's fucking night and I'm fucking tired and that last thing I expected was for this genius to bail on me.

Illegal immigrant with no license/insurance? Stolen car joyrider? Drunk? Scared girl who was text messaging? Just a total jerkoff? They're all getting special anal death prayers from me.

Stupid cats...