Philips.com Registration Asked for Suggestions to Improve Their Performance, So.....

stabbtastic editor's note (heretoforafterhencewise shall be known as SEN): I recently bought a new flatscreen TV, and I could only guess that it might be wise to register my new high-tech umbilical? After cruising through their registration, I noticed I was bored. BORED! Dry ass lame site, all in greys (grays? who knows) and whites and unhelpfully small thumbnails. Plus I'm never sure if I'm really getting anything out of registration. It's not like they can send me updates or anything and they really just dangle that ultimate carrot for suckers, the chance to buy the extra warrantee. The best I'll do is get some spam. But I followed suit like a tool and did their bidding and when they offered the slim chance for some redemption, I took it.

Incidentally, this is all true. Even the part about the Italians and the Irish, and especially the cow...

Dear Philips.com,

You could offer free porn and beer, chips too. Maybe whatever ballgame is on. Strippers couldn't hurt but no Italians though, they're as undesirable as the Irish. I'm kinda hungry, that happens when I surf, maybe you guys could order pizza? Some magazines laying around could help too, your site is fucking boring as it is... a few colors could brighten up the place. Y'know, a woman's touch can really improve the appeal of a room, or a webpage, so one of you geeks drop your cock and get a girlfriend for christ's sake. New furniture is a must cuz this shit you got in here looks like my college housing stuff, barely functional and smells like pee. I saw this great chair at Redskins.com, recliner embossed with their logo, can you fuckin believe that? Craziest shit I ever saw. Except of course the time my buddy kevin went home with the fat chick in the cow suit, and that was the second date! Poor dumb bastard. Man we laughed hard! Hey you guys are alright, hope this helps. Stay black!

If you ever buy a Philips product, go register it and see if they've taken any of my advice or if it's all just a dirty waste of time. In which case you should smash your new Philips product, fuck those mark-ass tricks.