To the People of Oceana

In response to recent criminal slander, purveyed only by those who hate freedom and all the delicate denizens of its domain... Comrades, may I present our protector and Big Brother:

Gloria Allred.

Heil!

Heil!

Heil!

Behold in her stocks, the villain Michael Richards! Beseige him with frowns, pointed fingers, and savage clucking of the tongue! Righteously cast the first stone, knowing full well the gift of purity laid upon you, the faithful congregation, by our demagogue. Ignore the irony that both sides are guilty of the same crime yet color deems one the transgressor and one the victim. Irony is our very gospel!

Ignorance is Strength

No! She is not a vile, selfrighteous, opportunistic leech who would unflinchingly corner society and confine your personal feelings within a convenient legal box for her own personal, monetary gain.

Freedom is Slavery

No! She has not imposed herself as our thought police for profit by making people feel guilty for their own feelings. She is no foul thing, she is our hero and protector! Worship and thank her! Without her we would be adrift in a lawless sea of hurt feelings, where the sting of a scraped knee is not kissed away by money's sweet caress.

War is Peace

Rein us in by your strength, oh keeper of our moral compass, oh guardian of the downtrodden. Nay, step not down from your pedestal nor cast your gaze in the direction of true victimization. For you are truly brave to ignore that beast and, rather, force us into false placidity and stay here in the warm womb of American litigation, suckling from our wallet's teet when we stray onto the path of individual thought.

Rejoice citizens and comrades! For the goose-stepping boots of her associates draw nigh! Relish the crush of their truncheons on the elbows of your personal thoughts as they lovingly mold us to behave as good little children. Bury and mask individual views even deeper than political correction and false rhetoric ever thought possible, as only this will cast out the problem for good.

Finally, acknowledge that the only true recompense and apology for disobedience is to sate her voracious appetite for cold hard cash and self-satisfaction. Only purchased redemption will save you! For she is a jealous god, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate her or anyone that might keep her from making a buck; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love her, and keep her commandments.

OBEY