Browneye Stabby's Angry Argue Hole ( * )

The Big C

2008-01-06T18:38:00.000-08:00

Man did I have a scare recently. Big enough to fit my one post a year bill...

I happen to fall into the testicular cancer age bracket and I was worried (still kinda am) that I might lose a nut. About a month ago, I started feeling pain in my groin and lower abdomen similar to a 10 minute old kick to the nuts. It was that regular dull throb except no one's foot had been near my nads. A few searches online about my symptoms only brought up one thing:

TESTICULAR CANCER

Fuck me! So I did the post-shower, low hanging, warm, malleable bag check and couldn't really find any lumps. But you guys wait until you're paranoid and then see just how familiar you really are with you own balls. I was rolling everything between my fingers while panicking and wondering if it was always like that. Normally when I'm doing that, I'm thinking of something pretty and not the intricate contours of my nads, vas, and accoutrements there within. Though they are fabulous!

Well I worried about it for a few days and finally got on the phone but couldn't get an appointment with my doc anytime soon. I ended up going to an urgent care clinic on a saturday because I was getting really scared for my fellas and I prefer the nickname One Nut sticking firmly to Mr. Armstrong.

The doc did his thing and I did mine: He sat on the stool in front of me while I pulled my pants down to my ankles with my shirt still on, looking and feeling fucking ridiculous as my girlfriend watched the whole thing. Not my idea of a hot threesome but I'm sure it falls somewhere near most chick's, especially with a guy making a doctor's salary. That alone was humiliating, but my fucking penis couldn't be a trooper about it either. No, I have to be nervous, naked and uncomfortable all by myself. He insisted on sitting this one out somewhere near my spleen, leaving just a vestigial turtle head as a lookout. Fucker.

Yeah right, who was I trying to impress, the Doc? Fuck yeah, him and everyone else. why not? I wish I were a shower not a grower...

After various proddings, we did the turn your head and cough trick. That sucks anyway but it sucks more when the whole area already hurts and this strange man is getting to your taint the hard way, by stuffing two fingers through your sack. Yeah it's not a gentle cup the bag like you ladies and kids might think. Then, he gets to thinking I actually have a minor hernia. To be sure, he does the finger thing 5 more times! Sucky as that was, it was such a huge relief that I could have hugged the guy except that my pants were around my ankles and he was sitting in front of me with two fingers in my scrot, my peen so shriveled and withdrawn that it's pretty much pointing right at him and he didn't even call me sweety.

Now I get to do this all again with my real doctor this Tuesday. THEN she'll (that's right) decide if I need to go to a specialist to get one more pair of hands on my tender junk and if I need surgery to fix the problem. I've had a girlfriend for three years, you'd think I could use the strange, but fucking hell...

Folks, I would do it all again with a smile to hear it's not TESTICULAR CANCER. Let's hear it for hernias!!!

Aqua Teen Terror Scare

2007-02-01T09:34:00.000-08:00

(SEN: I know this is way dated by now but I've been lazy recently and I forgot to post this after I wrote it. So in lieu of tossing it out, here ya go.)

"It is unconscionable, that in this post-9/11 environment that Turner Broadcasting would do something like this in an urban setting..."
- Boston Police Superintendent Ed Davis

"It is outrageous, in a post-9/11 world, that a company would use this type of marketing scheme. I am prepared to take any and all legal actions against Turner Broadcasting and its affiliates for any and all expenses incurred during the response to today's incidents."
- Boston Mayor Thomas Menino

Sadly, neither man is prepared to take any and all responsibility for time and money wasted.

For those of you that don't know, "something like this," was, in fact, exactly this:

A small LED with a battery.

Loosens the bowels, does it not? One of these things was actually exploded by Boston's bomb squad. They thought these "devices" were constructed similarly to improvised explosive devices. Gentlemen, there are much more common yet sinister devices used by terrorists that are all around us...

Cars. Line 'em all up, better to err expensively on the side of caution. Better arrest Radio Shack too.

Congratulations Ed Davis and Thomas Menino. For all the hours you put in yesterday, the most top notch piece of work you accomplished was covering your own asses and passing the buck. The city of Boston should be proud. Unfortunately for them and the rest of us, it is apparently not unconscionable to use 9/11 as the ultimate excuse for your ineptness, ignorance, and failure of communication between the civil servants of the nine other U.S. cities who unwittingly hosted this marketing campaign but succeeded in getting no egg on their faces.

And apparently not unconscionable that the Department of Homeland Security's ridiculous and vague color coded terror warning system has again triumphed in its purpose as an utterly useless device except as a means for spreading unwarranted paranoia. Presumably (for the sake of spreading the embarassment around) it is this age of paranoia that incited your city-wide and highly expensive act of putting the cart before the horse. Did anyone even bother to see if the sources reporting these threats were at all credible?

And not unconscionable still that a marketer for a college male oriented cartoon is arrested and charged with felony hoax device placement (felony hoax device placement?!) and disorderly conduct all so Boston's top officials don't take a public bath in the shattering embarassment they so richly deserve for blowing loads of tax payer money all while having their heads deep in rectal defilade as they unbendingly goosestep to the beat of policy.

Policy, for those of you who haven't had a chance to appreciate it, is what makes us wait an extra two hours in the airport security line while the little white sectagenarian grandmother from Wisconsin is cavity searched because she was the one hundredth customer in line. And it doesn't matter that the next one hundredth is an infant strapped to his mother's chest. Policy dictates TSA's only clear course of action. Snap on a rubber glove and search that tiny threat. After all, he's really just a sack of liquid that is well over 3 ounces, and he's not even in a clear ziploc baggy!

Three words: Start racial profiling.

People's feelings be damned. White grandmothers and infants are not targeting America for destruction. Nor are cartoon shows, or PR stunts. In the case of the infant, which I actually witnessed, even the buzzcut thicknecked security guard was shaking his head as he went through the motions of searching and wanding this baby whose life you can count in months on one hand. Even he had the sense that this is idiocy. But not the guys who make policy. These guys are thinking of the jeopardy to the offices they hold if the next attack comes. Not that there's any reason for them to fear. Who got fired after 9/11 for total failure at their task? For ignoring the piles of evidence and warnings from operatives? Anyone?

*crickets*

Now we have a society that jumps at its own shadow and officials who rightly feel stupid for overreacting when the chart clearly states we're only at our usual elevated risk.

http://www.dhs.gov/xinfoshare/programs/Copy_of_press_release_0046.shtm

That is unconscionable.

In light of 9/11, there really are some things that persist in this world that truly do fall in the category of unconscionable. That these things still exist in the fore-front of our culture and still receive the attention that they do

...that McDonald's coffee tastes better than Starbuck's...

...that a cat's bath in a kitty-sized shower spa is cause for public outcry... (if this is the worst thing that happens to kitty in its free ride through life as a domestic housecat, it's way ahead of the game. all you excitable pet-o-philes just take a deep breath)

...that Paris Hilton's jailing extravaganza took presedence over the missle defense shield in Europe. (up to date relevance! yeah too little too late.....)

To the People of Oceana

2006-11-29T09:48:00.000-08:00

In response to recent criminal slander, purveyed only by those who hate freedom and all the delicate denizens of its domain... Comrades, may I present our protector and Big Brother:

Gloria Allred.

Heil!

Heil!

Heil!

Behold in her stocks, the villain Michael Richards! Beseige him with frowns, pointed fingers, and savage clucking of the tongue! Righteously cast the first stone, knowing full well the gift of purity laid upon you, the faithful congregation, by our demagogue. Ignore the irony that both sides are guilty of the same crime yet color deems one the transgressor and one the victim. Irony is our very gospel!

Ignorance is Strength

No! She is not a vile, selfrighteous, opportunistic leech who would unflinchingly corner society and confine your personal feelings within a convenient legal box for her own personal, monetary gain.

Freedom is Slavery

No! She has not imposed herself as our thought police for profit by making people feel guilty for their own feelings. She is no foul thing, she is our hero and protector! Worship and thank her! Without her we would be adrift in a lawless sea of hurt feelings, where the sting of a scraped knee is not kissed away by money's sweet caress.

War is Peace

Rein us in by your strength, oh keeper of our moral compass, oh guardian of the downtrodden. Nay, step not down from your pedestal nor cast your gaze in the direction of true victimization. For you are truly brave to ignore that beast and, rather, force us into false placidity and stay here in the warm womb of American litigation, suckling from our wallet's teet when we stray onto the path of individual thought.

Rejoice citizens and comrades! For the goose-stepping boots of her associates draw nigh! Relish the crush of their truncheons on the elbows of your personal thoughts as they lovingly mold us to behave as good little children. Bury and mask individual views even deeper than political correction and false rhetoric ever thought possible, as only this will cast out the problem for good.

Finally, acknowledge that the only true recompense and apology for disobedience is to sate her voracious appetite for cold hard cash and self-satisfaction. Only purchased redemption will save you! For she is a jealous god, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate her or anyone that might keep her from making a buck; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love her, and keep her commandments.

OBEY

Heavyweight Vulture Gloria Allred Swoops Down on Borat

2006-11-17T11:13:00.000-08:00

It is official: Honesty will no longer be tolerated by the people of this country, so say the circling vultures, who are prepared to tighten the noose whatever the cost, as long as there is payola.

This is not a new idea, but one that has finally been plucked completely from the troubled waters of liberty by the greedy talons of the nation's legal eagles. (Weekly World News, take note of my dramatic flair!) Congratulations are due for taking an astoundingly funny and original idea and just litigating it to death. What’s the worst that happened here? Was a little too much honesty exposed under their own free will? A little more forthrightness than this country can stomach these days, without the baby’s blanket of political correctness? Someone spoke their mind with full knowledge of the cameras in their face and now they’re owed much more than a penny for their thoughts because they are genuinely ashamed or afraid of who they are? I offer that no one should owe you money for your openness about being racist, elitist, misogynistic, homophobic, shallow, catastrophically ignorant, or just profoundly uptight. That is unless you nail down a nationally syndicated talk show, then by all means. Otherwise, you deserve a pat on the back for your candor in this day and age and then people can decide for themselves if they want anything to do with you.

This is humanity.

These are our neighbors.

These are real people.

Whether in part or in full, this is you and this is me.

The idea that this is untrue of humanity is the real ruse here. But none of these people are owed a paycheck for their personal views, exposed or otherwise. Not yet, anyway.

Take all those juicy buzzwords I used up there. I would argue that everyone has a bit of those in them to a certain degree, whether they are willing to admit it or not. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but before anyone accuses me of being a Grand Wizard in the Klan, what i'm trying to say is we all root for the home team but that doesn't always mean: "Yer dif'rent! Let's fight!"

Cindy Streit, owner of Etiquette Training Service in Birmingham, Alabama didn't even go so far as to attach any of those labels to herself in the movie. I'm sure she just felt a little duped. But when the Allreds of the world smell some cheddar and get in her ear, her tune turns from short-lived and forgettable embarrassment to this:

“I am mortified at forever being portrayed in an R-rated movie with the most horrifying, pornographic scene imaginable to me. (seriously? I could really open this lady's eyes) When Borat and his camera crew left our dinner party, we were in total shock, and no one told us it had all been a ruse. …In a sincere effort to support cultural differences and being a proud American and Southerner, I thought we could portray out Southern customs and culture to Belarus Television. (Did she not?) I am outraged at the deception. How dare they?”

(SEN: whenever anyone uses the phrase "How dare they" or "How dare you," it really shows their arrogance in plain light and should be a red flag for you to temper any feelings of sympathy towards them. It's just too high falootin'. Or as Max von Sydow said as King Osric in Conan the Barbarian: "What daring! What outrageousness!" But at least he was king. Conan~FTW)

The only true outrage here is sharky lawyers spun a minor incident into a personal assault of such magnitude, the necessity arose for serious compensation equal to the devastating bruising sustained by her ego and her company's potential, yet unlikely profit loss due to southern decorum's inability to succesfully negotiate a plastic baggie of pooh. Fake pooh at that.

Predictably, Allred backs up her stance:

She said, “I’m concerned – is this going to start a trend where members of the public can be victimized in order to earn a profit? (The irony of that statement is just astounding) I’m concerned about the stampede to have ‘Borat’-like films victimizing other members of the public through deception. I don’t think they should be about to ride roughshod over the rights of innocent individuals.”

Allow me to translate:

“I’m concerned – is this going to start a trend where members of the public can be victimized in order to earn a profit that I have no stake in? I’m concerned that the stampede to have ‘Borat’-like films victimizing other members of the public through deception might possibly pass me by without being able to secure my share of the boatload of cash it is making. I don’t think they should be about to ride roughshod over the rights of innocent individuals without a payday in it for me.”

Allred is no saint. She's a big time California lawdawg, she reads the trades. She sees the boxoffice take every Monday and understands full well how much undeserved pie there is to go around if you’re a manipulative bullshitter. She is a filthy, selfrighteous, opportunistic leech who would unflinchingly corner society and confine your personal feelings within a convenient legal box for her own personal monetary gain. She has made herself the thought police for profit and people are letting her get away with it because she makes them feel guilty for their own feelings.
No one killed frivolity like this in its infancy and now we have ex-lawyers in the form of entrenched judges who are highly unlikely to toss cases like these out. There's too much in it for the new hotshots they look fondly upon. Who now will the vultures fall upon once this most recent carcass is picked clean?

Philips.com Registration Asked for Suggestions to Improve Their Performance, So.....

2006-11-15T10:31:00.000-08:00

stabbtastic editor's note (heretoforafterhencewise shall be known as SEN): I recently bought a new flatscreen TV, and I could only guess that it might be wise to register my new high-tech umbilical? After cruising through their registration, I noticed I was bored. BORED! Dry ass lame site, all in greys (grays? who knows) and whites and unhelpfully small thumbnails. Plus I'm never sure if I'm really getting anything out of registration. It's not like they can send me updates or anything and they really just dangle that ultimate carrot for suckers, the chance to buy the extra warrantee. The best I'll do is get some spam. But I followed suit like a tool and did their bidding and when they offered the slim chance for some redemption, I took it.

Incidentally, this is all true. Even the part about the Italians and the Irish, and especially the cow...

Dear Philips.com,

You could offer free porn and beer, chips too. Maybe whatever ballgame is on. Strippers couldn't hurt but no Italians though, they're as undesirable as the Irish. I'm kinda hungry, that happens when I surf, maybe you guys could order pizza? Some magazines laying around could help too, your site is fucking boring as it is... a few colors could brighten up the place. Y'know, a woman's touch can really improve the appeal of a room, or a webpage, so one of you geeks drop your cock and get a girlfriend for christ's sake. New furniture is a must cuz this shit you got in here looks like my college housing stuff, barely functional and smells like pee. I saw this great chair at Redskins.com, recliner embossed with their logo, can you fuckin believe that? Craziest shit I ever saw. Except of course the time my buddy kevin went home with the fat chick in the cow suit, and that was the second date! Poor dumb bastard. Man we laughed hard! Hey you guys are alright, hope this helps. Stay black!

If you ever buy a Philips product, go register it and see if they've taken any of my advice or if it's all just a dirty waste of time. In which case you should smash your new Philips product, fuck those mark-ass tricks.

Personal Publicists: Liars, Excusers, and Yes-Men

2006-10-24T13:08:00.001-07:00

stabbtastic editor's note: Just a quick venting, I was feeling hostile towards these idiots. I may expand on this.

I can fix it, I have the techonology.

For now, take it as you will. It's not much, just the tip....

At best, they are the shallow and pea-brained gossip relics from the halls of highschool. At worst, they are cheaply-bought degenerate liars with a flimsy moral compass, selling digestable excuses to the masses for the embarassing mis-steps of the rich and powerful in exchange for discarded table scraps and a ride on the proverbial coat tails. They are the begging, mongrel dog that slaves for the stripped bone.

It is said that in most professions, those who can't, teach. But in this regard, those who have nothing to offer but are dying to bathe in the limelight, pitch and spin.

Stupid Cats

2006-10-17T11:31:00.000-07:00

I'm a little angry at cats right now (not because of Infinite Cat Project, THIS time....) because last night around 11, I was on my way home from dropping the GF off when I come across a little kitty in the road. Cutest little thing in the world, just playfully tugging away at a meat pancake that used to be shaped like a oppossum. So I slow to a stop and I'm peering over the hood of my truck, wondering when this furry little butthole is gonna beat feet when I'm suddenly thrown back in my seat by some blind cocksucker who tried to meet the front of my truck vis-a-vis the back.

As I check all my parts and try to clear my head, I hear this guys tires screech, again, and see him peeling back and whipping a bitch and hauling ass the other way down the street. Oddly enough, he didn't stop even when I jumped out of my truck and suggested "YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!"

Nope. Didn't see the driver. Nope. Didn't get the plates. Nope. I couldn't even tell what kind of damn late model small SUV it was, 'cause it's fucking night and I'm fucking tired and that last thing I expected was for this genius to bail on me.

Illegal immigrant with no license/insurance? Stolen car joyrider? Drunk? Scared girl who was text messaging? Just a total jerkoff? They're all getting special anal death prayers from me.

Stupid cats...

Fems Bash Hippies in Fight for Super Left!

2006-04-17T15:07:00.000-07:00

This gem is an article from:

A "Moscow-based Alternative Newspaper"

or

"The Newspaper that makes Jesse Jackson look like Trent Lott"

http://www.exile.ru/

There isn't much left to say about this article that it doesn't loudly proclaim itself, especially this glaringly obvious observation: She sounds like a typical college-minded female, recruited in front of the student union building by such a throng of unshorn Ani DiFranco diciple's, it's a wonder PETA didn't show up with red paint and an anti-fur agenda. The real confusion lies in the fact that she reads like a femi-nazi but wants to shop like Barbi... wtf? Ladies, you really are as complex as Cosmo says.

If you get past the first two paragraphs without laugh-barfing your lunch onto your keyboard, you need to cut back your medication. If you aren't actively fighting your monitor by the end of this thing, you are legally dead.

Anti-Consumerism Equals Anti-Womanism

By Naomi Wolf

Women struggling to survive the Bush backlash now have to defend themselves against a new foe: the so-called anti-Globalization activists whose noisy crusade against "Consumerism" is a thinly-disguised attack on one of the few communal women-centric rituals our culture permits: shopping.

Like fat, shopping is a feminist issue. Shopping is the one time contemporary women are allowed to indulge in the activities men take for granted: socializing, networking, negotiating and refashioning the Self. It's not about buying consumer goods, any more than the boys' fishing trips or bowling leagues are about catching fish or knocking down "pins" (and by the way, is it an accident that the bowling pins the boys so love to knock down are shaped like exaggerated female forms, with the small shoulders and wide hips male culture so desires and despises?)

Just look at women shopping, really shopping: you'll see the depth of feeling with which they consult each other, the way conversation slips easily back and forth like the loom of a shuttle knitting Penelope's web. As men always grumble, "shopping takes a long time," and may not yield any purchases at all. It yields something else. It yields sorority, or sisterhood -- a true sorority, not restricted to the blond and wealthy. I have walked the aisles of K-Mart as well as Nieman Marcus, and found the same warm sorority in these humbler shopping sanctuaries, only in bigger styles and lower-quality stitching.

And now a horde of bearded boys in badly-cut hemp trousers have begun smashing the display windows of the shops where American women find a few hours' refuge. Just look at the videos of "activists" attacking clothing stores and you'll see naked male aggression hiding behind clever slogans. Men throwing molotov cocktails in crude feats of strength. Men wielding clubs, smashing female images draped in clothing too subtle for them to price, let alone understand. Men in castoff Army clothes, indulging in a "Green" version of urban assault.

And here and there, hanging back, you will see their misguided, self-hating female collaborators, doing their best to look like their male Alpha-wolf leaders in deliberately unflattering hairstyles and cast-off biker and soldier garments. The sheer unattractiveness of these victims' style is itself the best evidence for the benefits of shopping -- benefits these women have chosen to forego.

What is clear is this: anti-Consumerism is misogyny. To hate shopping and all of its representations is to hate women.

As women cower against the crash of glass, pitifully trying to cover their heads with the tiny shield of a Gold Card, these Green stormtroopers destroy women's last safe inner space, their cultural vulva. And as these stupid boys spread their phallocentric terror under the guise of "anti-Consumerism," right-wing rich men applaud. With every Bloomingdale's mannequin beaten, terrorized and raped by these vandals, the male purveyors of far darker, more sinister fashions -- the burqa, the veil, and the miniskirt -- look on with glee.

In the West, these evil trendsetter moguls would see women reduced again to pinchable secretaries in short skirts designed to make all females over 15 look "old." In the Middle East, they hope to "sell" an equally cruel look: basic black. Head to toe. Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter.

A world where women are squeezed into Barbie minis...or swathed in black blankets...is this the world we want? Shopping is about choice. And choice is what women demand. A choice of fabric, color and career. Shopping is a human right -- a woman's right!

And SHE grew up in Communist Russia. If you aren't sure Capitalism won the Cold War, ask this emancipated individual. Unfortunately, I don't think she's been laid since.

Fit this woman for a burka and a poppy field, she needs a little perspective.

stabby

The Catholic League

2006-04-13T16:26:00.000-07:00

This is a press released put out by the Catholic League. "For Religious and Civil Rights."

http://www.catholicleague.org/

April 12, 2006

CBS MUST FIRE PENN JILLETTE

On his April 5 CBS radio show, Penn Jillette commented on the rumor that Paris Hilton may play Mother Teresa in a movie. He said Mother Teresa “had this weird kink that I think was sexual” about seeing people suffer and die. He also said that “Paris Hilton is so far above Mother Teresa on the moral scale, she should not lower herself” to playing the saintly nun. After comparing Mother Teresa to Charles Manson, Jillette again said she “got her [sexual] kicks watching people suffer and die.” He concluded by saying, “Paris Hilton. You’re so much better than that. Don’t take the gig. Keep making good wholesome porno films. Just do that. Do what you’re cut out for. Don’t lower yourself to playing Mother Teresa.”

Subsequent to Jillette’s remarks, John London, a radio talk-show host on KIFR/San Francisco (a CBS station that carries Jillette’s show), said that he would offer “$5,000 to the person that kills Jillette” for his attack on Mother Teresa. He added that if Jillette “suffers, I’ll make it $7,000.” London, and his producer, Dennis Cruz, were then fired by the CBS management in New York.

Catholic League president Bill Donohue responded as follows:

“Last year, Penn Jillette referred to Mother Teresa on his Showtime TV show as ‘Mother F---ing Teresa.’ After I registered a complaint with Sumner Redstone, chairman of Viacom (which owns Showtime, as well as CBS), I was told about the merits of ‘artistic freedom’ and ‘tolerance.’ After Jillette’s latest attack, it is clear that such excuses are wholly unacceptable. It is up to CBS Radio CEO Joel Hollander to fire him. His own record, which includes a vigorous defense of Howard Stern, is also in question. So this is an important moment for him as well.

“Contact Hollander at joel.hollander@infinitybroadcasting.com and demand that CBS dump Jillette immediately. What Jillette said is outside the parameters of irreverent humor—it’s a malicious, obscene frontal assault on Mother Teresa and everything she stands for. And the culprit is a repeat offender, therefore meriting his termination.”

The Catholic League is the nation's largest Catholic civil rights organization. It defends individual Catholics and the institutional Church from defamation and discrimination.

Apprarently they are quite selective when it comes to exactly whose rights they will be defending. As in their's and little else. I honestly don't understand people and organizations who partake in this kind of activity. If these folks feel everyone here has been bestowed with just too darn many rights, there is a stack of countries that will oblige them with an iron fist. Stop trying to fuck this one up.

But no no they say! It is CBS who should change. An enormous, international media giant with an equally enormous audience and marketable talent should change because an obnoxious group of pushy daydreamers couldn't be bothered to watch any other network available. Or read a book, or go outside and play, or take a long, honest look in the mirror and punch themselves in the face.

Joel Hollander and CBS should NOT fire that man. Instead I ask them to make a stand for free speech in a time where religious zealots are attempting to stage a coup against our constitution and demanding people abide by only their rules. Especially over something this trite and trivial.

Not in this country.

Perhaps they need to be reminded of our Freedom of Speech. If I forgot daily, as these people do, of our constitutionally protected right, I might publicly demand that all Catholics were silenced entirely. But I'm not that short-sited. On the other hand, these people can’t wait to demand the removal of rights from others, never for once thinking the day may come when the same is done to them. One main responsibility of living in a free society is TOLERANCE. Forget that and we all lose, for it is much easier to convince those in charge to pick away at our rights than to get them back. Lest these complainers forget it was blood that earned them the right to snivel and whine.

I would also suggest here that offering a cash reward for the torture and murder of an individual, even in jest, falls well short of tolerant and fails to display any of the outstanding morals the Catholic church might hope to be identified with. Frankly, it smacks of fundamentalist Islam instead. I am not a fan of either man, but I support their free speech equally. Unfortunately for John London, the line is drawn at threatening bodily harm.

Have fun finding a new gig John. Maybe you and the guy that suggested we randomly shoot illegal immigrants will find kindred spirits on the 700 Club.

I'm also betting that not once, throughout this entire complete waste of time and energy, that anyone ever considered the grave danger to Paris Hilton's reputation as a social trashcan and her future employability as a webslut. Priorities folks...

stabby

How the Other Half Irks

2006-03-22T15:32:00.000-08:00

I recently received this lame joke in an email:

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the man keeps staring and staring at a drunk woman swigging martinis as she sits alone at a nearby table. Finally his wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes, I do!" sighs the man. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My Goodness," says his wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

to which I briefly responded (reply all, heh heh):

yeah? allow me to retort: that's the moment the new wife gets to hold her own private celebration as she pays the check all by herself because I left her punk ass there and filed for a brand new, yet equally delicious and liberating divorce. beotch!

yeah it's all fine and good till the male has his say, but somehow we're the jerks...

No thought in it, sophomoric and harmless, I figured. Y'know, turn it around, get in a jab for the fellas, have a little fun with the ladies and the people who emailed me. Then I forgot all about it, but this then set off more emails:

I’m curious as to the source of the high level of energy in your response. Is it personal or philosophical or something else, or am I misreading you?

and

it was just a joke. Nobody's a jerk. Sorry if I was insensitive.

etc. etc.

Well mine was also meant as a joke, in bad taste, but all the same. How it was taken was clearly otherwise. What I wrote at the bottom of my response meant that when a man flips-the-script, as it were, people take cautious offense, or worse.

"What does he mean by that? That's pretty rude. Wow! I wonder what's behind it?"

But leave it as it is, it's just a harmless jab at guys. "Whatsa matter? Can't take it little man?"

Hell no! And fuck you! :D

Just kidding... kinda.

Not that this is anything remotely new or profound, but the point is gender bias. Ok for one and not the other... funny one way, but not the other. Fair game on one side, energetic and shocking chauvinism on the other. Dare I say what I think this is? Reverse Chauvinism!! If white males had a version of Al Sharpton, I'd sick him on these ladies.

Poppycock, says I! How say you, Fishtank?

What I hear these days is lots of high fallutin' talk of gender equality, yet what I see is "I'll have my cake and eat it too."

or as I'm fond of saying:

"purvey unto we pistil-bearers all purported privileges perceived in the ponderous and plodding penis-bearers, yet put not the paralleling pendulous yoke pronounced chivalry upon us, pulchritudinous perennials that we be."

Dig?

I see some women wanting every so-called benefit of being a man in a man's world, yet still wanting dinner paid for, because that's the manly (chivalrous) thing to do. Only a small example of the double standard. Titchy? Maybe. But if these ladies want to split hairs, I'm their fuckin' guy.

I don't contend that all women behave this way, but I challenge these so-called equal rights activists to truly take on the onus of equality to a man. They can't do it, because we aren't equal. I don't say better, just not equal. In a perfect world, we are two parts to a whole, each filling in the gaps where the other lacks and complimenting each other as intended. Dichotomy? Yin Yang? Concepts as old as mankind? Anyone?

But noooooooooooo.....

So pick one. You either wish to be treated like a lady, or treated like a man. You may be a very capable lady, great. If so, do you really need affirmation? (what am I saying, of course you do!)This business of trying for the best of both worlds and then complaining loudly when it doesn't happen is horsepucky. Men don't get the best of both worlds. In fact, if you're white and male, you've been everyone's whipping boy for some 20 years, taking blame for everything even if you don't happen to be the rich white guy whose fault it REALLY is. Life is hard, people are jerks, welcome to it.

For those of you that will not be swayed:

Stuff it, ya super butch, potato shaped, camo-cutoffs wearing, beaver eater. *zzzziiiip* See this? I was BORN with a penis! You'll NEVER have one! SUFFER!!

*doing the "windmill"*

b. Stabby

Last Night's Rain

2005-10-17T13:02:00.000-07:00

The storm woke me up in the middle of the night and I lay still in bed listening to the sound of rain approaching. Each assault was like a wave rolling in, surging and growing stronger in volume until it became a wash of sound, beating upon the roof above me and reminding me of being tumbled inside the break after a wipe out. Every now and then, a flash of lightning burned a negative of the window-framed yard into my retinas, followed with an imaginary giant tramping by, his basso footsteps rumbling through my walls and bed, and through me. Sometimes it was so close it felt as though one had tripped over the house, stubbing his huge toe with a grumble before going about his business.

“I don’t like it that close; I hope we don’t get struck.”

I had known without looking that she was awake with me, listening as she watched light flash through the windows. Her simple little fear spoke to me, even though we were safe and warm in bed. Girls are great like that; they give you the chance to be the protector, to feel like a man even if it’s as mundane as a reassuring touch and whispered, sleepy words. My own eyes didn’t leave the skylights as I reached over and stroked her arm.

“It won’t touch us; we aren’t close to being the tallest thing nearby.”

Our house in Van Nuys is surrounded by various tall trees, coniferous and otherwise, along with the standard urban trees that are streetlights and telephone polls. From these, the power lines spider web across each other and stretch to each building and home, protectively veiling us in the all-too-breachable comfort of power and communication, of what we think of as civilization; civilization that was currently under a deluge. I often hoped for those breaches. A heavy rain, and with it, perhaps a power outage, is like a little adventure for me. It’s a welcome break from the constant, blasé sunshine.

My eyes glazed over from weariness as I tried to stay awake to enjoy the awesome nature outside the window’s glass. I fantasized about taking tomorrow off, waking slowly and luxuriating in my cozy sheets as my favorite gloom washed over the commuters already on their way to work. Suckers, I smiled. I’m staying home to watch movies, feeling for all the world like I'm young and home again, as safe as my most comforting moment with mom and dad. With no better thought in my mind, I rolled over and rode that feeling back to dreamland, with tomorrow seeming too far away to touch me.

Celine Dion Holding Poor People Hostage, Protects From Wrath of Hurricane/Poverty!!!!!!

2005-09-08T16:50:00.000-07:00

Why?

WHY do the donkeys in the media insist upon giving a douche like this a platform? To what end? For what purpose? For what greater good? And can anybody who honestly cares about this bubblehead's opinion really read? Prove it to me and I still won't believe it. Or care.

http://news.softpedia.com/news/Celine-Dion-Donates-1-million-Slams-Bush-s-Policy-On-CNN-7667.shtml

Hey Celine, give ME $1 million. I'll buy a spot on Larry King Live and smack you with a million dollars worth of pimphand, you dumbshit jerk. That'll put a smile on some faces. Forget water, that's manna from heaven. Allah u Admiral Akbar.

Now please apply at least 30spf sunblock lotion and prepare to bask in her glory as I quotify:

"I open the television, there's people still there waiting to be rescued and for me it's not acceptable. I know there's reasons for it. I'm sorry to say I'm being rude but I don't want to hear those reasons."

I can't see any reason how keeping people locked in her TV will solve anything, but regardless, she was clear. Their freedom is unacceptable.

"Oh, they're stealing 20 pair of jeans or they're stealing television sets. Who cares? They're not going to go too far with it. Maybe those people are so poor, some of the people who do that they're so poor they've never touched anything in their lives. Let them touch those things for once,"

Oh, touch this already. And fuckin' A right they're going far. The nearest working outlet is practically in my goddamn house. But she above all understands the plight of the poor and by god she WILL have them touch these things for once, even if it's yours, thereby solving all dilemmas. That is until Officer Reality Check administers the Tazer of Justice up their plighted cornhole.

"Who cares?" Hey, if it's no big deal, I can show up to your place and take 20 pairs of your jeans and some flat screens, right? They probably cost more than my truck. Oh wait, you didn't think store owners actually paid for those did you? No? Ok, good.

Celine, next time there's a national disaster in Canada, like, you run out of ice, then you can feel free to spout from that cocksuck hidden beneath your vulture's snout....

...on Canadian AM band, at 3am, in the "off" position, unplugged.

Until then, save it you pompous fountain of froggy frivolity, because not one person here gives a salty turd what you think. And we'd be sure to send a warm glass of shut the hell up if we could just stop laughing long enough to find a mail box.

STFU!

I hate you.

People are Full of Shit Pt. 2

2005-08-25T17:17:00.000-07:00

1/5/07 S.E.N. - Even though I don't need current events examples to justify my opinion, it can't hurt my dubious credibility...

http://www.consumerfreedom.com/news_detail.cfm/headline/3212

Self-righteous? To be damn sure. Truly righteous? Maybe never, and certainly only when it is convenient. In light of this article, I take back all the concession I give at the end of this blog. Eat the shit that you are full of.

People Are Full of Shit:
Pt. 2

Item: P.E.T.A. 'n Friends
Man oh man these guys have some nerve. Isn’t it nice that their tender little sensibilities can be catered to in such distanced, sterilized society? Imagine if these fancy poofs had to actually fend for themselves because some hippy company in Southern California wasn’t importing bean curd and tofu for their pasty grey complexion. Imagine if they put this seemingly boundless time and effort towards something that actually bettered mankind rather than push a fringe agenda on John Q? (Then I wouldn't be writing this, instead I'd be traveling, pollutant free, in mankind's new utopia, but nooooooo.)

Imagine still if poor migrant workers weren't handling the ugly side of food so modern weenies may just go pick it up in a tiddy, sterile package from the grocer, removing themselves from nature's gritty reality of life feeding on life. Imagine if you will, these wimps having to chase something down and eat it. Impossible. These are the would-be victims of Darwin’s rule, if not propped up by civilization, for they are anything but the fittest. Lucky for them to be born in this time when they can afford to behave like some expectant brat raised by and abusing yet another poor immigrant housekeeper, growing up thinking those people exist for their disposal.

I don’t know where that came from, I’m distracted. I hate them.

I could bring up Chris Rock’s argument here that there isn’t one person in a starving nation who is lactose intolerant, but I won’t.

Instead, let’s say this particular starving nation is in Africa (that seems to be where most of them are kept). These Africans have a very grounded view of the world’s food chain, because they may not always be at the top of it. Nor do they have any qualms about biting the bejeezus out of a fat piece of meat, even if that meat is days old and lying in the hot savannah dirt. They’ll probably eat it without a second thought and won’t even sweat the diarrhea that came right behind it. They’re so used to eating bad food (if even that) and drinking water with microbes in it that if they actually had a solid bowel movement, they’d go right to the local witchdoctor in order to quickly get their stool the motherfuck back into watery shape. In this essay, these people are the least full of shit because they couldn’t hang onto it if their assholes slammed shut like Fort Knox.

The point is, these hapless folks haven’t the luxury to discriminate. Unfortunately for the rest of us living in civilized society, there is time for discrimination. Civilized society and the birth of agriculture, which offers us the chance to not always worry about our next meal and instead contemplate art and recreation, philosophy and literature, theology and science, etc., also offers the opportunity for some to become pompous, crusading cocksuckers, righteously insisting that everything they don’t subscribe to is wrong and should be stopped. If not, then they will form the biggest pussy pressure group in the world and force their opinions down your throat and into law or they will slander you from a national platform until you are discredited, your good name smeared, and your company bankrupt!

Practice peace and tolerance, go Vegan!! YAY!! People for the Ethical Treatment of Their Own Clique and Nobody Else.

For all the time freed up by modern convenience, this is the best they could come up with?

Well let’s just take our own close look at the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Right. How many of these people hold doctorates in philosophy? If so, would that person perhaps point out that “ethics” are immaterial and highly subjective? Probably not, because that person is an ass persuing selfish desires. But philosophy aside, how about taking a look at the way THE WHOLE WORLD WORKS!! You just don’t see animals struggling with these issues. “Well, animals lack the capacity for morals and abstract thought.” So? Does that make them or us any less a part of this dog-eat-dog world? Animals don’t NEED morals, they aren’t hampered by a mind that can make this kind of shit up. Rather, that’s something we made up to keep people from being jerks to each other all the time, and it still doesn’t work. Animals, on the other hand, follow one thing: need. I’m hungry, I’ll eat that deer, I’m thirsty, I’ll drink, horny, fuck, tired, sleep, nature, poop, etc.

The idea of morals isn't such a bad one, in and of itself. The problem arises when one or a few people are charged with maintaining these for everyone else. They become unavoidably intoxicated by this station and then make the mistake of believing they and not the collective, are the fountain from which these ideals should spring, then further compound that mistake by believing they are right, there upon compounding it even more when they decide everyone must abide by these ideas alone or a certain simpleton someone on the moral payroll will arrive at your door with a subpoena. Hey sorry, Mack. I'm just doing my job.

Indeed.

As though that were excuse enough for taking on the task of fucking someone else over as employment. A responsibility that no one forced upon you, but merely a gig these lofty self-serving dicks dangled in front of just the kind of toolish automotons that enjoy a little authority over the regular joe. I feel the same fierce lack of sympathy bordering on murderous lust for "parking enforcement," or meter maids, which much more accurately describes the bitches they are. If any of you reading this are meter maids, stop. You aren't allowed to read my blog anymore. Go fuck yourself.

At any rate, back to the matter at hand, lest I digress...

To the people of PETA, I'll allow that your hearts are probably in the right place. Maybe. This is a tough concession for me to give, but I'm trying. I love animals too, but goddamn! If you don't want to eat meat, that's fine with me. Just know that I do want to eat meat so get outta my face. If you don't want products tested on animals, by all means, step in as their proxy. Testing has to be done to save lives but at least then no one could sniff at your resolve. But y'know, last I checked, we aren't running out of lab rats. If you don't want to wear fur, you haven't been stuck anyplace cold enough where a North Face jacket wasn't available, but cute deer were.

Let me be clear that I'll concede on one point: I'm all for throwing shit on super models, though DNA, not paint, would be my first choice.

The problem is, instead of making the world a better place by going directly against nature's grain, you are driving yet another wedge between people who, in most other regards, are probably very similar. You are re-enforcing unimportant differences in much the same way that affirmative action and work place quotas do. Everyone is different, that's why this place is so interesting. Can you imagine if all music were Kenny G? I'd fucking kill everyone, starting with you guys. But looking clinically close at the small, negative differences ignores any individual benevolence(except for Kenny G). If you do that, then everyone is a jerk and your enemy rather than an opportunity for a broader, more colorful existance. The world is not becoming a better place because of your needling, rather a more aggravated one. Of all the tragedies in our time- starvation, disease, genocide, mtv- you decided to pick on what I'm eating for dinner.

That, and you're all a bunch of pussies.

stabby

Faith & Doubt

2005-08-23T13:49:00.000-07:00

stabbtastic editor's note: This is, as yet, an unfinished string of thought. The style of which falls decidely outside of my usual, but I'm posting it in hopes that its presence in the public ether will behoove me to wrap it up. Or at least attempt to. Or, barring that, at least throw out a few more reckless meanderings, worthy of slappable contempt. If that could possibly be confused with something that means anything...

Though I am actually posting this on August 3, 2006, the original date on my draft tells me that I started it about a year ago, which means the subject matter demands enormous amounts of "time" and "effort" on my part, but could also reveal that I'm "lazy" and prefer "video games."

Organized Religion: Faith & Doubt

Nothing is scarier to the faithful than doubt. To the faithful, nothing carries with it such a dark taint as uncertainty. Some one who has put all their eggs in one basket for emotional and supposed spiritual stability can become offended when it is raised to question, possibly to the point of insult and violence, for in most people’s case, reason has already left the table. To the faithful masses, it becomes a matter of what is “right,” as in it’s not “right” to shake the easily crumbled foundations of their belief. The truth is, nobody knows the truth. The faithful will argue that they do indeed know, when in fact they merely believe so completely that they’ve convinced themselves beyond any shadow of a doubt.

Sister Mary Michael of the Lincoln Cathedral said this about the filming of “The Da Vinci Code”: “I don’t think it’s right that they are filming this story here. I know the bishop and dean argue it is fiction – and it might even be brilliant fiction – but it is against the very essence of what we believe.”

So what if it is? Is she in danger of changing her mind? If her belief is so secure, this shouldn’t even faze her because she is “right.” There must be a shadow of a doubt the haunts back hallways of her mind, an ego in danger of tarnish if a fictional story can threaten her so. And her distinction between the two is clouded and self-serving. Her beliefs lie in fiction, yet she doesn’t see it that way. She believes one book, not the other. One is “right,” the other, “brilliant fiction.” If the Bible and Quran aren't the most brilliant pieces of fiction out there, I don’t know what else could be, for no other books have galvanized people so and ultimately polarized the world more than these two preachy, astonishingly seductive works of folklore and fairy tale.

And indeed, they have all the ingredients for a wonderful fantasy tale: heroic and humble protagonists, vile and corruptive antagonists, magic and mystery, the unanswerable, catastrophic failures and glorious redemption. Yet somehow, these particular books turned to fact in people’s minds rather than something like “Beowulf” or even C.S. Lewis’ “The Chronicles of Narnia,” a collection so steeped in Christianity, one wonders if the timing were right, would people fear the Ice Queen instead of Satan and revere the Lion instead of Christ. There is little difference in the fantastical elements that lure people in.

The key difference lies in the question of an afterlife. It offers the necrophobes and the downtrodden and destitute a solution. Don't worry that life here is often unbearable for you, when it's all over, you will have everything you've ever longed for. All your problems and hardships will disappear and you will bask in the glory of the lord, whichever one that might be. While it's true that the problems and hardships are certainly over for the dead, the faithful believe that's highly circumstantial. The originators of their faith found a way to dominate them even in death.

...to be continued, when I've decided to ponder this some more.

stabby